Surrounded but Not Known: Students Confront Campus Disconnection

Lydia Chapman

Senior Reporter

Every morning on her way to class, Abby Ehrsam, a junior social work major, waves to people she recognizes, classmates from past semesters, faces from the dining hall, and the coffee line. They smile, exchange a quick “Hey, how are you?” and keep walking.

By the end of the day, she’s talked to plenty of people, yet something still feels missing.

“You just say hi to be nice,” she said. “You want someone to talk to, but you don’t want more than that.”

Ehrsam calls them her “almost friends.” It’s not loneliness; instead, it’s the feeling of being connected but not close, known but not really known.

For many college students, that phrase hits uncomfortably close to home.

At first glance, college campuses seem like the perfect environment for connection: shared classes, constant activity, and people everywhere. But many say the relationships they form feel more like passing familiarity than true friendship.

“People come in expecting to find their best friends right away,” said Elly Furlong, an RA in Georgia Hall. “When that doesn’t happen, they feel like something’s wrong with them, like they’re behind.”

Furlong has seen this pattern in her residence hall year after year. At the beginning of the semester, students go to every event, meet dozens of new people, and fill their schedules with social plans. But by mid-semester, things shift.

“You know a lot of people here, but it takes a lot to build real friendships, and no one has the capacity to do that with everyone,” she said. 

Even students with large friend groups, she added, often feel disconnected. They’re social on the surface but lonely underneath.

“Even the people who look the most social might still feel alone,” she said. “I’ve seen residents in big friend groups who still tell me they’re lonely because they miss the kind of connection they had back home.”

That sense of disconnection isn’t unique to one campus. Surveys from Active Minds and Gallup show that while students today report high levels of social activity, more than 60% say they regularly feel emotionally distant from the people around them. Experts point to factors like constant busyness, fear of vulnerability, and the influence of social media.

“You can be surrounded by people and still not feel known,” said Carly Stiver, a counseling intern at Trevecca’s counseling center. “That’s not loneliness, that’s disconnection.”

Stiver said many students struggle with what she calls “relational wounds”, experiences from the past that make it harder to open up again.

“When you’ve been hurt before, your brain perceives new relationships as a threat. So, students protect themselves, but that self-protection also keeps them disconnected.”

Ehrsam remembers feeling that way during her first semester.

“It’s like everyone already has their group,” she said. “You want to join in, but you don’t want to seem needy or weird.”

She said it’s easy to fall into surface-level relationships because they’re safe. She can talk about classes or weekend plans without risking much. But over time, that kind of small talk starts to feel hollow.

“You have to take that first step,” she said. “If it doesn’t go well, move on. Not everyone is meant to be a close friend, and that’s okay.”

Furlong tries to help residents take that first step by hosting small, low-pressure events like craft nights, group dinners, or movie marathons where people can relax and talk naturally.

“The best events are the ones where people can talk while doing something,” she said. “That’s when real friendships start.”

She’s found that students often expect deep friendships to form overnight, but the process is slower than people think.
“Be patient with yourself,” she said. “You’re going to find your people; it just takes time.”

Stiver said that slowing down and being willing to be seen is key.

“We’ve taught students to fit in, to be involved, join clubs, and post pictures. But that’s not the same as belonging. Belonging is when you feel seen and accepted for who you are,” she said.

She said that while social media makes it easy to stay in contact, it also creates an illusion that everyone else has perfect friendships.

“Apps make it look like everyone’s close,” she said. “But you can know a lot about someone online without really knowing them.”

That illusion feeds the pressure many students already feel to appear social. It also hides the reality that most people are craving the same thing: to be known and understood.

Furlong said she often reminds students that friendship doesn’t have to be dramatic or instant. Sometimes it starts with one small moment of honesty.

“You don’t need a huge group,” she said. “Sometimes one real friend is enough.”

Ehrsam’s learned that, too. After struggling to feel connected her first year, she’s found that genuine friendships take time and courage.

“Do the hard things,” she said. “Don’t be scared. You can learn from other people, and they can help you grow.”

Stiver said that a willingness to keep trying, even when it feels awkward or uncertain, is what builds real community.

“Humanity will always want to connect and be seen,” she said. “That desire is built into us. No screen can erase it.”

These days, Ehrsam still passes those same familiar faces on her way to class. She still waves, still smiles. But occasionally, she stops, asks how someone’s really doing, or invites them to grab coffee.

Some conversations stay brief. Others turn into something real.
For Ehrsam, that small shift, taking time to stop, to ask, to listen, has changed how she moves through campus.

“You realize everyone feels the same way,” she said. “Sometimes all it takes is one person being brave enough to go first.”